Dating Déjà Vu (Holiday Edition)

Last night, I drank a little bit of red wine.  And my roommate and I started brainstorming about men and dating and romanticism and junk.

We boiled down this elusive love post down to one major theme:  Everyone we’ve dated romantically has come into our lives for a reason.  But how do you KNOW?  How do you know when the person that you’re most likely falling for in one form or another is your soulmate?  I wish I could answer that question, but let’s just boil down some cold, hard, buzzed thoughts.  So sorry in advance if it doesn’t flow like a normal post.. but deal.

The one point we kept coming back to was that we seem to relate everybody we’re currently dating to past relationships. Women project.  Men live in the moment.  We need to start fresh and not compare these new lovers with those of the past.  Why?  Because EVERYBODY’S DIFFERENT.  We all come from different families, different beliefs, in some cases, different cultures; essentially different LOVING backgrounds–springing from the lovingest upbringing to the most unreciprocating… and we can’t all be judged on the misfortunes of past relationships.  I’ve even felt the need to say “I’m different.  We’re different.  This thing that we’re building is different.  And better,”  And it kind of snaps us out of this line of thinking  long enough to try and understand why we’re different.  Now prove it.  And learn from past mistakes.

Then we started talking about how serious a relationships seem to get pretty quickly on.  When guys start by introducing us to their family, they’re pretty much better off just giving us a ring right away.  Why would you introduce a woman to your parents if you don’t think the relationship has lasting characteristics?  Do you want us to make friends?  I sure as hell don’t introduce every dude I date to my parents, or else mom & dad will get even more confused about my serial dating than they already are.

Honestly, we all think way too hard about “our” future.  We really need to enjoy the present more with this potential soulmate.  It’s a gift, remember?  The more time you spend together, the more invested you become.  The problem is, when one party starts to withdraw, the other decides they’re getting pushed away–so in return, we do EVERYTHING in our power to save (ruin) what we had before.  Things change in a relationship.  A few months in, all of a sudden, the guy realizes that he does have a life outside of this cocoon you’ve created and nurtured and breaks free, so a week off from daily communication really does help.  Revisit the ideals you had after you’ve had a chance to live life alone again and you’re both able to breathe.  I’m sure you’ve heard this saying: “If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”  This shit’s true!  It’s on every Myspace wall, right?  Now suck it up and do it!  If he just keeps pushing you away except for the occasional weekend booty, shut him off.  Don’t make yourself so available.  There are more men out there that could be worth your time, and they’ll present themselves when they’re ready.  Remember, timing is everything, and if you’re not on the same page as your newish beau, maybe it’s time to reevaluate the situation and set expectations.

Pre-Google, men used to walk down the beach or the street, knocking down every door to find the lady they lusted for.  Now, with all these awesome stalker tools at our fingertips, we can narrow our search down to men with blue eyes, long blonde hair, dimples, a 6-pack, etc. which makes us just want to window shop and hunt for our own perfect 10 rather than be found.  Online dating has turned into a meat market, with most of these gorgeous AVAILABLE men just looking to get some action and not so much a meaningful relationship.  If you go to sites like PlentyOfFish and HotOrNot, you’re not looking for a hubbie, you’re looking for a hookup.  Try eHarmony or Match.. but even with Match, you’ll find men who aren’t essentially serious, and with eHarmony, I feel like I’m hurting feelings if I just archive the dude.  I have also fallen into the online dating scene, and it was interesting to find what I was looking for online.  ”I find everything else there!” was my guise.  Online, chivalry is dead.  I want a man to sweep me off my feet and fall organically into my life.  Unfortunately, in the day of emails and chat rooms, life runs way too quickly to ferret out a lover elsewhere, so a lot of the potential dates seem online onl–that is, if they cannot seem to find time in their already super structured lifestyles otherwise.  I’m pretty sure that’s not what I want; structured dating.  It’s nice to meet someone off the street/on the T/in a Boston pub/at a friend’s party who catches your eye.  Try it sometime.. but please look for a ring before approaching!  Advice from experience!

We’re becoming lazy in dating.  80% of the time, we (I) write on Facebook/emails, text, poke, etc.  We don’t pick up the phone and CALL anymore.  Don’t people want to hear the underlying tones in other’s voices?  What happened to the times where we could hear our partner breathing on the other line and know they’re alive, safe, well, etc. and :. we don’t have to worry if they’re out with another woman?

Then you get some men who work soooo hard.  Want a cookie?  Yes, you took the time to “find” us into your own hands–AND you have a full time job.  Did you get the memo?  We have lives too.  Women work harder to get what you guys are given.  You think this free drink was free?  Tell that to the dude I had to just chat up for a half hour.  THAT’S work.   It’s working our assets.  Want a cookie?  Howabout a compliment?  You’ll get that just by buying a free drink for a pretty lady.

What it boils down to is this:  If you like someone, you’ll find any reason to see them.  If you don’t, you’ll find every reason to avoid them.  Think about that the next time someone blows you off.  It might just be time to look for another lover.